Journal entries from April 1991

Notes about aspirations from J the Younger to J the Older:

4/22/1991 - Cold. Dogwood winter, so they call it. Many things left undone. And I'm being silly. I know the seriousness of some of the stuff I have to do. But being this worried is stupid. I mapped it down a million times in my head: I want to live and have more experiences before I call it "a life." There are so many things I want to do. But there are certain limitations in my current condition, or position, to recognize what it is I have to do to achieve success.

I need to make a bunch of compromises in order to coexist with those around me. No matter what the difficulties, I have to stop blowing things out of sensible proportions that will clearly intimidate me in the long run.

Confidence! Damn it!! Leave the suspicions to those who wish to be suspicious. There are people in many more dire situations than I. So, I've got to be positive. There are too many kids in similar positions who lose faith and decide too early to make unreasonable, even harmful, limitations on themselves. I've got to be patient, got to be wiser, and sometimes even cautious.

Gotta keep telling myself, I AM talented; I have some worthy, redeemable qualities. I'll make it if I keep those in mind. Expressions of cocky bravado and cleverness can be dangerous. I know. Proposals on what to do are often pointless. I've got to be more practical and smart about the decisions I make. But for now, I'm just so disheartened by the insecurities I've formed. Well, I am human, still very much a child. I have to deal with shit and move on. I need to lighten up emotionally, get that mood going the right way. Stop being so overbearing on me, me! Calm down, don't break down.

Past diagnosis jargon

12-27-2016 12:44PM

Tell me about medical jargon. No wonder people think doctors are fuckin' geniuses. And still I'll edit for relevance:


EXAM: PET/CT SKULL BASE TO MIDTHIGH (easy part so far)

FINDINGS: There is physiologic uptake of tracer in the head and neck.

...2-3 mm nodules in right middle lobe; nodules in right middle lobe, a 4 mm perifissural nodule in the inferior lingula, and a 3 mm left lower lobe peripheral nodule.

No significant increased uptake in the skeleton and no suspicious lytic or blastic lesions.

IMPRESSION: Hypermetabolic focus in the body, the stomach consistent with the patient's recently diagnosed gastric adenocarcinoma. Adjacent slightly prominent nodes, which are not FDG avid but raise the question of adjacent metastatic adenopathy and biopsy would be needed for further evaluation. Nonspecific bilateral pulmonary nodules as above.


To translate, this basically means I'm sick. Got cancer cells floating around stomach and lymphatic system. And treatment strategy was nothing short of aggressive and brutal. All I can say is that the experience was hellishly memorable. Surviving has not been easy. But hey, nothing worthwhile is ever easy, right?

What it takes: Ramblings from a prose/poetry freewrite

What is real freedom? I ask, "Is it freedom to want or freedom from want?" Living things must consume to survive. So, it's unnatural not to feed when hunger pangs strike. The body knows before the mind can consider anything else. Higher function is out the attic window. I'd like to think I know better, now that I'm so much older. Presumptuous? Maybe.

My gut tells me to eat the damn sandwich. Who cares if there's meat in it and I'm vegetarian? (Btw, I'm not. This is just for argument's sake.) Gotta survive, gotta give in. Then afterwards you can think about moral implications. Willpower only goes so far: 3-4 days without food and you'll scour an entire steakhouse dumpster. Your better angels won't be in sight or in mind. You'll tear into red meat as if it were wrapped on a lollipop stick. Then, when you're satiated, you'll maybe consider such luxuries as noble truths and how to live a moral life. Maybe you'll find that a bunch of crap you thought was noble ain't so noble afterall.

Guilty conscience? Who has time for such nonsense? I'll sink my canines into the thought-pulsing veins of God's own mother before I submit. Besides, no ones's fit to oppose me. Whatever I deem necessary, I must do. It's as innate as the drive to survive.

The dangers of thinking too much about what others think

"They'll only remember what you were like before you left." So, how is this quote comforting?

I'm paraphrasing what I heard on a TedTalk. It was in reference to long periods of absence from others, due to illness, break from work, or other transitions in life. The talk was about how we're all hardwired to project onto ourselves a false sense of what we think others see in us. (SPOT: gonna have to edit later for clarity.)

The quote applies equally to the larger context of life itself. For example, at your funeral, not a lot of folks are gonna give a damn about the greater extent of your life, particularly your private life. Each person will only remember the snippets of time that he or she spent with you.

We think that even our dearest friends are able to see what's locked deep inside of us, whether we opt to reveal our secrets or not. But that couldn't be further from the truth. My point is, when you feel like you're "out of the picture"--i.e., separated for a time from people --you get all too self conscious and you feel embarrassed or ashamed about yourself. Most of the time those feelings are unfounded and needless. Truth is, even those you care about the most don't care that much about what's going on in your daily life. They're just as consumed as you are about the goings on in their own personal lives. I suppose the only exemption would be for parents of small children.