April 2017 Progress Update

Update, 4/12/2017: In sum, first round of chemo done (3/10). Second round started, 4/10. Into second week of radiation.

Second round of chemo was delayed a week due to low white blood count. Received some kind of booster shot on Saturday. Seemed to help push the count up in order for me to start back on chemo.

Upon second week of radiation with re-start of chemo, body experienced waves of nausea, dizziness, and headaches-- bad enough to wake me in the middle of the night for vomiting episode. So, trying now to head off side effects with anti-nausea meds. Seems to help some. Last night was better.

Getting in exercise when I can-- just around the block with Uno, my good and faithful mutt who's old and out of shape. She gets even more exhausted than I do, which makes me somewhat more confident that I'm not all that sick after all.

I've noticed, however, for the first time that the treatments are now clearly affecting my appetite and wreaking some havoc on my entire gastrointestinal well-being. And the constant fatigue has had a toll on my overall mood. To say the least it's making me rather grumpy. Feelings of inadequacy start to creep in. Worries about letting things slide and not wanting to do things. Loss of generosity? Too much preoccupation with self? At the same time, being too conscientious about feeling like a burden to my family, my "caretakers." I definitely don't want to feel that way, much less actually be some kind of burden. The stress they're going through on account of me is very real. I sense it. So, I tell them not to fuss but they don't always listen. And yet I do count on them for so much.

All the difficult life experiences require balance, right? But we're all perfectly flawed. What lessons to take from living through this particular experience, though, I have yet to fully grasp. If I think too long on it, I get overwhelmed. This is sure to be a long process, and time appears to be a weird reflection, not linear or moving along as it should. Perception gets mighty skewed.

Broken Goods

Not sure why we keep all the broken stuff in storage. Maybe we think we'll get around to fixing them one of these days. But they sit there taking up space, asking to be fixed or recycled or put out of their misery, of being non-functioning. What could be worse than having no purpose, being useless? We ask ourselves, Do inanimate objects have a soul? Like plants have feelings? Do they all have to be alive to be a part of something real? We're all of us made mostly out of the same material anyway-- just in different measure. What exactly is the "spark of life"? And what is the meaning of dead? Does dead take away or change a name? The same way we say, "John's body"? What we mean is that it's no longer John. We say machines aren't alive or dead. Makes a soul wonder. Makes a soul question. And no answer is acceptable or right. So, we move along collecting objects that serve no purpose. That's what we do. And we attach sentiment and nostalgia to some of them as part of memory, to hold some value.